Watching him grow up…..

Jeremy is turning out to be quite a nice young man.

I know, I shouldn’t sound surprised, but really I am…….

He can be such a doorknob sometimes…… and the person who is guiding him in this world is me….so really, the odds were stacked against him from the beginning.  :)

Jeremy wants to pursue a career in Education.  I think this would be really good for him.  He loves to “explain”, to “be correct” about information and facts.  He can be quite entertaining when he is excited about a topic.

He applied to York University, Faculty of Ed– and had an interview on Saturday. Jeremy worked hard on his responses, and even had a mock interview to prepare, and he feels it went well.  ***FINGERS CROSSED

For the rest of the school year he is doing an unofficial “placement” with me at my school.  I am grateful to my friends, who are welcoming him into their classes, and I hope he understands how lucky he is to have the opportunity to try out ideas and lessons with a real class.  I wish him well, and hope he discovers that this is a career path he wants to follow.  Let him take direction and criticism with the love and support it is offered.  I know he will be wonderful!

I get to make a boat today!

You are probably thinking “huh? A boat?” but rest assured it is not a real boat. For the first time in a really, really long time, we have a Sunday with no plans! No rehearsal, no joanne to visit, nothing! The last time we had nothing on a Sunday, it was August 2011

I love being snuggled under blankets!  In the living room, I have a chaise which is my “nest” most of the time, but it is only wide enough for one person.  Often I have tried to convince Phillip to come in my nest, too.  He declines the offer every time!

I have also had the brilliant idea that if we drag the chaise and the armchair up to the loveseat, we could make an Über-chaise and Phillip and I could have the space we need, but the snuggle feel of the chaise/nest experience.

It would be like a little boat.  Hence the nearly daily requests to built a boat!!  Finally, he said YES! It will be snugly and filled with blankets and toys! We will watch a movie, and have cuppies of love. Hurrah for boat day!

So today, I am going to make pancakes, do my walk/run (which will be addressed in a subsequent blog), tidy,possibly outside again, and then MAKE MY BOAT!!

I love that Phillip will play my silly games! As our 20th anniversary approaches, I am reminded everyday  how perfect we are together!

Boat Day!

The End…… and the beginning of so much more.

Well, Joanne passed away on Sunday.

I am sad, and feeling the loss, but also feeling relief that her horrible battle with ALS is over.  Then I’m feeling guilty to be happy not to have to rush to the nursing home three times a week, or more.

There is a lot of feelings.

Even knowing her death was coming, waiting for it…..and yes, wanting it to happen, it is still hard to understand that she is ……gone. Never to talk to again, never to see.  Just …the end.

Now, I have a confidence in an afterlife– and that the ones we love have moved on, to be re-united with others and with us one day.  But since we don’t have any true understanding or contact with them….. for me…. right now….. she’s gone…

Joanne is also wrapped up in my feelings for Nan, too.  Mom and I really started helping Joanne the Monday after Nan’s funeral.  So in some ways, its like losing Nan again…….

Then….. in my deranged and sadistic mind…. a little evil voice reminds me that these are not the only people you are going to lose.  Someday…. (in about 100 years!!!) it will be my dad, my mom, my aunts, uncles, my best friends, my husband and (God forbid) my son.  What a horrible thought……. but it just makes me want to scream “LEAVE ME ALONE!!!  I don’t want to love you, because someday I will feel even worse than this when you are not here!!!

Why do we live this way…… denying the fact that we will be torn apart from the people who make our lives special??? We act as if it will never happen, when at any moment– someone could be gone.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

…………………..Then after a little cry, and some tea……. I calm down again.  Yes, two very strong women have left me recently….. but I know I am better for knowing, helping and loving them.  I am proud of how much I was able to assist, support and give to Joanne.  And now that she’s gone, I have to stand strong.

Yes, the people I love WILL leave me.  And it renders me practically catatonic just thinking of that day, but will I really stop loving them, only to save myself the heartbreak???

HELL NO!!!

I will love them ten times, a hundred times more– knowing all the while, it will just make it worse in the end!!!!  Proudly and fiercely I will laugh, sing, dance, photograph, pray, travel, talk, eat and love, love, love them.

I can’t stop them from going some day, but I can make all the days until then as joyous, loving and wonderful as I can!!!!

The start of a short week

I already feel behind.

I know I had 4 days off, but a husband with an abscessed  tooth (and upcoming dental surgery), my “lady problems” and hosting Easter dinner for 16, didn’t make for a restful long weekend.

It’s so hard to get things done when you don’t feel well.

Every day I am going to 1) get organized, 2) exercise 3) be productive and get things done!!

and every day I 1) feel tired, crappy or have a headache 2) waste my time on pintrest or some other idiot thing and 3) make excuses for my behaviour because I don’t feel well, I deserve time just fooling around or frankly don’t even try to explain my laziness away.

It’s a cycle that I can’t seem to break out of!

My desk is a mess, I am behind in my marking, I can’t ever feel like I am accomplishing anything.  Yes I am a teacher, wife, mother, daughter, stage manager, and a pile of other “jobs” but I don’t feel like I do any of them well.

Do really TALENTED people know that they do things well.  Do artists sit back and say “wow, that’s a great sculpture”??? or do they doubt themselves, too.  Are athletes thinking about their grocery list or how much laundry needs to be done, or can they just focus on the game/race/sport?

I know I do a good job at work, in theatre and with my family— but it just seems from the outside that I have it all together– seriously, if you were in my brain…… it would make you nervous!!

 

I think the world is getting stupider!!!

I can say this with complete and utter authority….I am a teacher.

I wish it was only the children who are getting stupider.  (although I think they are)

Side bar rant:

Children have less and less coping skills than when I started teaching 15 years ago.  I’m talking full out, crying on the floor melt downs because they drew the lines the wrong way, or the paper ripped.  I understand that you are frustrated, but what could you do???  And they come to me hysterical….. or worse with a “yell” in their voice like its my fault and I must fix it.  ”Give me a new paper” is NOT met with my most sunshine-rainbow-pony answer.  Perhaps, 1) asking, 2) thinking and 3) trying a solution.  A piece of tape, turn the paper over and start again– the world is still turning and life goes on.

I have also seen students wear two left shoes for days on end, bump into the door frame on the way out of the classroom (while they were looking straight ahead), and have seen children put up 3 fingers plus two fingers, count them to add— and get the count wrong on the first three fingers– IN GRADE THREE.  But this is a rant for another day!

What is more scary, are the adults in the world– who show less and less common sense every day.  And I know I’m guilty of it, too.

Like when I needed to call my mother, and I couldn’t find my phone– DUH are you at home– is there a phone attached to the wall????  Seriously, I wasn’t upset that I lost the phone– it will show up, but it took me a moment to find a solution.

Like when I am surprised every time things come out of the microwave HOT!!!!  DUHHHHH why did you put it in the microwave then, idiot!!!

The one that made me laugh the other day was, thankfully, not me.  I was taking stuff out of the microwave (yes, surprised at how hot it was) and the person at work who was waiting for the microwave says

“I really like this microwave– its so fast”

And I nodded in agreement.  Because I knew she meant– the food getting really hot, when we set it for a small amount of time.  But as I walked away– I listened to what she really said……. This microwave does not revolve any quicker than any other, and I set the time for 3 min– and it took 3 min– so the microwave did not break any laws of space and time and make 3 minutes happen in 1.5 min.  But still she said it and I agreed.  Wow!  That is a fast microwave.

It makes me have a mental picture of a microwave with big Nascar wheels and Bitchin Flame Detailing.  That would be a fast microwave.

We are all just idiots!!

I miss my Nan

Yesterday was Nan’s birthday.

(is it her birthday? Because its the first one that she has missed! Or WAS it her birthday, or the anniversary of her birthday? I don’t know what the term is, but we should have had cake— and we didn’t)

I have thought about her,and missed her every day since she passed away.  I have photos up in my classroom, so I always see her smile each morning. But so often, my eyes fill with tears, or I just want to hear her voice– crazy stories and all.

We, as a family, got through thanksgiving and Christmas pretty well, so I don’t know why 7 months later, it’s weighing on my mind, like we only lost her a week ago??

Then, I wanted to change my profilpicture on Facebook to one of Nan and I together………. I don’t have one.  For Christmas I gave my aunts, uncles and cousins over 1200 photos of family times over the past 5 years or so, and not one of Nan and I together.  At her 80th party and at my cousins wedding, I made a point of trying to get a photo of nan with as many different people as possible….. But have missed myself.

The “normal” part of my brain tried to tell me that dad, Tric and Mariellen have lots of photos of Nan and Itogether, but the “crazy” part of my brain (which admittedly is the larger part) just felt like I had let her down again!

A little treat for myself

It’s still crazy in my world, but I took somtime today to do “selfish” things.  Well….. Getting the van and accura’s oil change might not be the most selfish  thing, but I just haven’t had the time.  Phillip and I walked the Pickering town centre, and I got my hair cut.  Not a lot, just a trim, but I feel wonderful.  Then we went to ikea to start to get ideas for our kitchen Reno. Then we had lunch at Fairview mall. We shopped at home depot and then I went and got a manicure and pedicure.  Ohhh I hate when they scrub your feet, it tickles too much! But now it looks so pretty.  Phillip walked the dog, we made “leftover surprise” for dinner, and now I’m under a blankie with tv on! We still have lots to do for Joanne,and she’s not doing well.  My house and classroom is a mess, and we have rehearsal tomorrow but for tonight, I am not going to worry about anything but down time!!

Why does everything make me cry????

Seriously people, I should buy stock in kleenex!!!

and…. I know why I am crying….. still a lot of stress, and still overtired.  It seems as one thing is taken care of…3 more pressing issues start to take over.

and….I’m not helping myself either, as I sit at my desk NOT working on report cards…knowing later I will curse myself for not being a busy little bee.

But really… every commercial is making me cry these days.

Now the drunk driving “I lost my mom and dad”, and those poor abused animals are going to affect anyone!

But I still think I’m a step beyond.  These commercials should give you “Eye Crying”, where you get a little tear or two.  But I’ve gone right to “Heart Crying”, where the tears come second after the change in your chest–my breathing catches, and my heart skips a beat, and if I don’t think really hard about calming down, then the next thing I will do will be not a “lady-like” little sigh, but an ugly cry.  (and you know what that ugly cry sounds like)

Worse, all those moments  which are a “Level Down” from hurt kitty commercials– moments in life or on TV which bring a warm smile to your face, or an equally gentle sad feeling– those have been upgraded to “Eye Crying” status.  News that a student of mine is leaving, a kid helping a little JK, or any number of sweet commercials–  kids running in the sunlight sort of thing– brings tears to my eyes.  (Oh those weird/cute little kids in the “Happiness, Newfoundland” commercial– almost push me to real crying)

I can’t even re-read and edit my own blogs without tearing up!!!

Now that I think about it, maybe the universe (or at least the DVD player) knows how I am feeling, and gave me a “Technical Difficulty” yesterday.

I want to show my class The Lion King  because a) its great, b) Disney-hello, c) we are going to sing “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” and they need some context, d) because they were born in 2003 and haven’t seen it. but the DVD player which just worked for another teacher before lunch, wouldn’t read the DVD.  Finally I gave up, after defending my gender’s ability to use a DVD player to an eight-year old!!!  ( Dante: Maybe you should get Mr. Harvey to help.  Me: Do you think he can push PLAY better than I can???)  Night at the Museum  played fine, and while it doesn’t have great songs, it still is funny and Dick Van Dyke is wonderful!  More I think about it– Lion King might have been too much!!!  The scene where Mufasa is laying there dead, and Simba is calling his name and nudging him— Well getting teary just thinking about it!!!

SO, for the foreseeable future there will be no more:

• reading Love You Forever or The Lighthouse  or From Far Away all by Robert Munsch
• Fly Away Home by Eve Bunting (not about geese– about a homeless girl and her father who live in an airport–do not read with out kleenex)
• When I am Old With You by Angela Johnson (this one made me sob just typing the title!!!  A beautiful little girl and her grandfather, and she is making plans of what they will do when they are old together– but of course they will never be old together– he will be gone– and now I’m full out crying!)
• No more Toy Story 2 (because of Jesse’s song “When She Loved Me”
• No more Toy Story 3– because of the last 25 minutes: furnace, and then Andy growing up and choosing to give away his toys.
• Not the beginning of UP, or most of the middle, or the end!  (Actually, I only want to hear the dog say “Hi There”)
• The movie Cars makes me cry on regular days, when Lightning stops and pushes King across the finish line so he can complete his last race.
• Armageddon is sad when Bruce Willis pushes the button and all the flashes of his and his daughter’s life come up.
• No more love song, no sad songs, no no no

That’s enough foolishness for one morning!!  Wipe your eyes, suck it up and face your day…. you stupid baby!

Closing time!

The condo is closed!  A whole tree’s worth of papers signed at the lawyers, 30 phone calls made and received, but it is done!  Wow what a busy experience!

It was very sad to do a final walk through the condo. So empty……..

Thanks to mom who dealt with the movers yesterday, so I didn’t need to take another day off work!

Still so much to do, but hopefully both Joanne and I can rest easier tonight knowing that this part is over!

Your last meal

What would you choose for your last meal?

Now if you were on death row, you would know for sure that this was the last time you would eat, and could make a choice. It would still be hard– Greek?, Italian?, are you a steak person? or would you have fried chicken and mashed potatoes?

But what if you didn’t know what will be the last meal?  What if your ability to eat slowly faded away.  That’s what its been like for Joanne.

Because of the ALS, she has lost the ability to speak, swallow and control all those muscles in her face, neck and throat that we don’t even think about.  I can’t understand not being able to control my tongue, lips and throat muscles….. wow what a thing to deal with.

In the summer, she was still eating pasta, and soft things like egg salad etc. Through the fall, she had problems eating food, and began drinking a lot more meals: soups, chocolate milk, ensure and boost meal replacement drinks, juices.

What was the last thing she truly ate?  I don’t know.

Would you want to eat pureed food? (which is baby food– no matter how you try to dress it up).  I love meat: steak, pork chops, chicken, roast pork and beef, shrimp, etc.  But I WOULD NOT eat it pureed or liquified.  No shrimp scampi milkshakes for this girl!!!  Mushy sweet potatoes, maybe…. but salad??? NO Way!!

In the last few weeks, even the thick liquids are too much.  Ensure, chocolate milk and iced coffee are all too hard to drink.  So Joanne is down to Gatorade, ginger ale and water.

(Inappropriate Side Note— I did offer Joanne to publicize her “Gingerale Diet”  –I lost weight, ask me how!!!  She laughed (which was the point) but as anyone under serious stress knows, sometimes being stupid is the only solution to a stupid situation!!!)

She didn’t get a chance to have 5 Guys Burger or KFC or any other yummy for her last meal.  Joanne is a FOODIE!  She has spent her life going to the best restaurants everywhere she travelled.  I know she was thrilled when my Uncle and Aunt’s AMAZING French restaurant in Siesta Key (www.miguelsrestaurant.net) served Dover Sole table side.  (I don’t know why that is such a thrill, but apparently nobody does that anymore!!  BTW, Miguel’s also makes an AMAZING Ceaser salad table-side, and the flaming desserts– Cherries Jubilee or Banana’s Foster– well you have to try them!– My cousins Dan and Gabe run the restaurant now.  Seriously, if you are anywhere near Sarasota FL, check it out!)

So, no matter how crappy my lunch is, or how boring a dinner might be, I am going to enjoy it as much as possible.  Its sounds cliché, but you never know if it might be your last.