Watching him grow up…..

Jeremy is turning out to be quite a nice young man.

I know, I shouldn’t sound surprised, but really I am…….

He can be such a doorknob sometimes…… and the person who is guiding him in this world is me….so really, the odds were stacked against him from the beginning.  :)

Jeremy wants to pursue a career in Education.  I think this would be really good for him.  He loves to “explain”, to “be correct” about information and facts.  He can be quite entertaining when he is excited about a topic.

He applied to York University, Faculty of Ed– and had an interview on Saturday. Jeremy worked hard on his responses, and even had a mock interview to prepare, and he feels it went well.  ***FINGERS CROSSED

For the rest of the school year he is doing an unofficial “placement” with me at my school.  I am grateful to my friends, who are welcoming him into their classes, and I hope he understands how lucky he is to have the opportunity to try out ideas and lessons with a real class.  I wish him well, and hope he discovers that this is a career path he wants to follow.  Let him take direction and criticism with the love and support it is offered.  I know he will be wonderful!

I get to make a boat today!

You are probably thinking “huh? A boat?” but rest assured it is not a real boat. For the first time in a really, really long time, we have a Sunday with no plans! No rehearsal, no joanne to visit, nothing! The last time we had nothing on a Sunday, it was August 2011

I love being snuggled under blankets!  In the living room, I have a chaise which is my “nest” most of the time, but it is only wide enough for one person.  Often I have tried to convince Phillip to come in my nest, too.  He declines the offer every time!

I have also had the brilliant idea that if we drag the chaise and the armchair up to the loveseat, we could make an Über-chaise and Phillip and I could have the space we need, but the snuggle feel of the chaise/nest experience.

It would be like a little boat.  Hence the nearly daily requests to built a boat!!  Finally, he said YES! It will be snugly and filled with blankets and toys! We will watch a movie, and have cuppies of love. Hurrah for boat day!

So today, I am going to make pancakes, do my walk/run (which will be addressed in a subsequent blog), tidy,possibly outside again, and then MAKE MY BOAT!!

I love that Phillip will play my silly games! As our 20th anniversary approaches, I am reminded everyday  how perfect we are together!

Boat Day!

The End…… and the beginning of so much more.

Well, Joanne passed away on Sunday.

I am sad, and feeling the loss, but also feeling relief that her horrible battle with ALS is over.  Then I’m feeling guilty to be happy not to have to rush to the nursing home three times a week, or more.

There is a lot of feelings.

Even knowing her death was coming, waiting for it…..and yes, wanting it to happen, it is still hard to understand that she is ……gone. Never to talk to again, never to see.  Just …the end.

Now, I have a confidence in an afterlife– and that the ones we love have moved on, to be re-united with others and with us one day.  But since we don’t have any true understanding or contact with them….. for me…. right now….. she’s gone…

Joanne is also wrapped up in my feelings for Nan, too.  Mom and I really started helping Joanne the Monday after Nan’s funeral.  So in some ways, its like losing Nan again…….

Then….. in my deranged and sadistic mind…. a little evil voice reminds me that these are not the only people you are going to lose.  Someday…. (in about 100 years!!!) it will be my dad, my mom, my aunts, uncles, my best friends, my husband and (God forbid) my son.  What a horrible thought……. but it just makes me want to scream “LEAVE ME ALONE!!!  I don’t want to love you, because someday I will feel even worse than this when you are not here!!!

Why do we live this way…… denying the fact that we will be torn apart from the people who make our lives special??? We act as if it will never happen, when at any moment– someone could be gone.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

…………………..Then after a little cry, and some tea……. I calm down again.  Yes, two very strong women have left me recently….. but I know I am better for knowing, helping and loving them.  I am proud of how much I was able to assist, support and give to Joanne.  And now that she’s gone, I have to stand strong.

Yes, the people I love WILL leave me.  And it renders me practically catatonic just thinking of that day, but will I really stop loving them, only to save myself the heartbreak???

HELL NO!!!

I will love them ten times, a hundred times more– knowing all the while, it will just make it worse in the end!!!!  Proudly and fiercely I will laugh, sing, dance, photograph, pray, travel, talk, eat and love, love, love them.

I can’t stop them from going some day, but I can make all the days until then as joyous, loving and wonderful as I can!!!!

I miss my Nan

Yesterday was Nan’s birthday.

(is it her birthday? Because its the first one that she has missed! Or WAS it her birthday, or the anniversary of her birthday? I don’t know what the term is, but we should have had cake— and we didn’t)

I have thought about her,and missed her every day since she passed away.  I have photos up in my classroom, so I always see her smile each morning. But so often, my eyes fill with tears, or I just want to hear her voice– crazy stories and all.

We, as a family, got through thanksgiving and Christmas pretty well, so I don’t know why 7 months later, it’s weighing on my mind, like we only lost her a week ago??

Then, I wanted to change my profilpicture on Facebook to one of Nan and I together………. I don’t have one.  For Christmas I gave my aunts, uncles and cousins over 1200 photos of family times over the past 5 years or so, and not one of Nan and I together.  At her 80th party and at my cousins wedding, I made a point of trying to get a photo of nan with as many different people as possible….. But have missed myself.

The “normal” part of my brain tried to tell me that dad, Tric and Mariellen have lots of photos of Nan and Itogether, but the “crazy” part of my brain (which admittedly is the larger part) just felt like I had let her down again!

Trying to keep my head above water!

I feel like I have been drowning for a couple of months.

My Nan passed away this summer, and I know it has affected me more than I thought it would.  Well, how would I know how I would react? She had been fighting leukemia for over three years, so we knew how it would end.  But still, I have really felt lost since then.  I don’t know if it is because I was away when she took sick. Everyone told me to stay in Florida, even Nan. But still, I don’t know if I’m feeling bad because of it.  The funeral was lovely and the emotion from family, friends and even the oncology nurses moved me beyond words.

Still I started the school year with a heavy heart.

The show we worked on this fall had some very strong personalities as cast and crew.  While it ended up a good production, it still took a lot out of me. School is school, the kids are sweet. I really like my class.  And we have started a new show: fun but busy busy!

The biggest stress, though is Joanne.  She is Phillip’s aunt, and dying of ALS.  This is just the most awful, awful disease.  She lost the ability to talk two years ago, her mobility has gone downhill especially since August.  She can no longer walk easily, dress herself and she cannot eat.  Nothing, no food at all.Which is very sad since Joanne loves restaurants and good food.  We finally found her a place in long term care.  It’s safe, and the people are very kind to her, but it’s still an institution and a small room,and she’s still dying.

She is in no pain, but she knows everything that is going on.  There is nothing wrong with her brain or decision making skills. She is becoming trapped in a body that can not move properly, can not speak,can not swallow, and one day will forget how to breathe.

I am trying to clean out her condo so we can sell it.  What a lot of work!  Report cards are coming up, and I have a pile of marking to do.  I just haven’t had the energy to tackle it, and I’m soooo tired, but I just can’t sleep.  I am awake in the middle of every night.

I know things will get better, and that so many people carry even heavier burdens, but right now it’s just so hard.

 

A fun evening!!!

I had such a nice time last night.  Phillip, Megan and I were going to watch movies.  I made my suggestions (which are always Ocean’s 11, Cars, or any Harry Potter) but we has come to an agreement on a “George Clooney” night– O Brother Where are Thou, and the Ocean’s 11.

Well, I know I have a book (dated 2003) that is just a book of “lists of movies”  Top grossing Ninja movie, top disaster movie, and top movies from a variety of actors.  We started reading these lists, (Like Tom Hank’s movies) and you can’t help laughing thinking about scenes from various movies, or talking about ones you haven’t seen. 

There was also lists of Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor/Actress and Best Supporting Actor/Actress Oscar winners from every year from the 1930′s to 2002!  We had a hoot guessing the names of actors and films and talking and laughing!

What a great way to spend an evening engaged with other people rather than just watching TV again.    Can’t  wait to NOT watch movies again.  If you want to have this much fun, go on AFI (The American Film Institute’s) website–they have good lists, like Greatest hero and greatest Villian or most romantic movie.  You will have a great time laughing, crying and acting out your favourite scenes!!!

A post about Friends

Its so nice to be blessed with friends.  When you are going through a trying time, just a smile or a kind word can mean so much!  Makeing a friend a cup of tea, sending a nice message on the blog or on facebook helps make you feel more real and more solid. 

I am trying to go about daily life (since there is no change in Grandma’s condition), but my mind starts wandering–sometimes on her and what she means to me, somtimes to how my own mom and family is feeling, sometimes to stupid things, like the fact that all my nice long nails are now broken, and they look like crap.  Then I feel bad for being worried about my nails when my Grandmother is dying.  (or is not dying–both are bad)

Thank you to the people who have shared a kind word, in person or over the computer.  Thanks for the offers of help–at school (J-taking my class so I could plan), and evryone else (M-I know you will be and do anything I need).  Its a blessing to be so cared for!  Thank you all so much, I will keep you up to date!

Circle of Life

Friday night I spent looking at and holding a new tiny baby. 

Saturday night, some members of my family and I held hands and prayed while the priest gave last rites to my Grandmother. 

To say its been an odd weekend, would be putting it mildly.

My grandmother is so frail, small and weak.  She doesn’t seem much different from tiny, baby Sam.  Everyone in the family has been in to see her.  We call her name, touch her hair, hold her hand.  Occasionally, she will open her eyes and there is some recognition that we are with her.  Mostly its just waiting, and ……. well, trying to help her with a word, a song, a kiss.  Whether we are trying to help her stay here, or help her move on, I’m not quite sure.   I think it’s both at the same time.  I know its for the best, and all that…… but still its hard. 

Phillip sang three times to her, between Saturday night and Sunday morning.  She definitely responded to the music.  She looked at me and smiled a little. She asked for Jeremy, too.  So we have all said our goodbye’s to her.  But I don’t know what to do, or how just to wait…..until……..

I am comforted, and amazed by the response of the family.  Everyone is coming by and we all have taken some time with her.  You couldn’t ask for a better end then to see all of your children, grandchildren and your great grandchildren tell you that they are near and that they love you!

A new baby

My other friend Amanda (not the one who just got married), but another teacher-Amanda just had her second baby.  He is so tiny and perfect and cute.  We went to see him last night.  He’s big (for a baby) at 8 and a half pounds, but that’s still so small.  He has tons of blonde hair, and his skin is so soft.  I took photos of him, and his tiny perfect feet. 

Now, in my opinion, FEET ARE GROSS!!!!  They are weird and nasty.  (Mine personally included)– Toes are bent and crooked, dry skin, bumps, cracks YIKES.  But not new baby feet!!!!  These little puppies were absolutely perfect.  They are soft and smooth. 

It’s so weird to think that these tiny toes have never touched the earth yet.  Soon they will be dirty and grass-stained and running all over, (like Sam’s big brother John), but for now, we all can enjoy perfect baby feet!

Wedding Day

My good friend Amanda is getting married today.  She is such a wonderful person, and I am so glad she has found someone that makes her happy and will always be there for her.  Over the last two years she has had some awful things happen, so this is a happy start to another phase in her life.  She is funny, helpful, a wonderful teacher and she deserves a fantastic day!

The part that makes me nervous, is I’m photographing her wedding.  I love to take photos, and I have now worries generally speaking.  But this is a BIG day, and I know everything will be FINE, but i want the photos to be EXCELLENT.  The day will pass–24 hours like each day does, and by this time tomorrow–well what ever happens will be done.  Its just these hours inbetween.  The photos will tell the story, long after the personal memories begin to blur.  When you look at a photograph, you see people, a story, an emotion, and you can forget that in that moment  (actually) you were trying not to sneeze, or had to pee or whatever other mundane thing happened.  Its just the moment, caught forever.  And I want to give her perfect memories, happy, loving and fun.

Well, tomorrow I will tell you how it went!!!!!!