She signed a living will that said she did not want CPR or a feeding tube. Yet this week, some doctors were pressuring her to have a major, invasive surgery to prolong her life, which frankly sucks.  In the end, she decided against the tube. And the end seems in the next few days or weeks.

We have moved the closing date to Wednesday. Yikes! Now we have so much work and even less time.  We worked all day today.  Now I am so tired.

Emotionally, I am beyond sad, past upset.  I am just numb, and still not sleeping.  I just hope all this is over soon, before I crack!

I really don’t know anyone, except myself.  (and I’m not sure about that sometimes either)

I was recently talking to a friend, and made a comment that led to a conversation “I didn’t know that about you” or “That doesn’t seem like you”

But do you really know what I am like or what I will do?????

There are very, very private things that we all do…..in the bedroom, personal grooming, questionable activities and habits that we don’t ever, ever, ever let others know about!!!  Possibly even the people that we live/love and spend a lot of time with.  Its disturbing to think about other people doing weird things in their bedrooms or bathrooms. But I know you do things!!!

So have you? or do you?

*Kissed a boy? Kissed a girl?     *Shoplifted?     *Cut Class?   *Picked your Nose? *Smoked a cigarette?   *drank until you puked?    *picked at zits in the mirror?  *do you ever dress up when its not Halloween??? For what reason???  *lied to your Parents??  *told a secret you were not supposed to??  *stole from a friend/co-worker?  *flirted with a stranger?  *lied about your age? *faked-it?   *have any adult toys?  *dance naked in your room?

Now I’m not asking you to confess nor am I confessing to anything myself….. simply making a point that we don’t know each other all that well.  :)  If you would like to add to my list……. of “things none of us do”   well, go ahead and add!!!

Joannes condo has sold, but now we have to finish the clean out.  I am having a hard time with going through her belongings.  She has a lot of things.  Some very beautiful pieces, and some junk.  Who am I to decide what is important?

I know that I have tons and tons of things!  But What is the value of an object?

A present from a friend, that they bought at the dollar store, can mean the world to me. Diamonds and royal dolton figures are amazing, but do they make me happier than other objects?

I have rocks that I have kept from a nice day, or because they felt nice.  I have love letters from Phillip from 22 years ago.  Would someone just throw them in the garbage or recycle because rocks and papers  seem worthless.

Clothes remind me of parties,vacations and attitudes or feelings.  They are so much more than what they look like hanging in the closet.  And I feel horrible just packing Joanne’s life into boxes and bags.  Yes, she can not use or keep everything anymore. Yes, we are taking what we will use, and donating or selling the rest. But it still seems so ……..awful.

(then there is the idiot voice deep inside my brain, that reminds me I will need to make these choices again and again as I clean my parents crap out someday, and finally  someone will throw away all my treasures– the world hurts my brain–bed time now).

So I am going to say some things I have been thinking, and too bad for you if you don’t like it!

• You are a lazy ass
• It’s not ok, it really makes more work for me, and you don’t seem to care
• I feel you are using me
• I don’t want to help you!
• That WAS a stupid question.
• Looking at you is enough to make me angry
• It’s not fine
• Why the hell can’t you do it, since it’s your problem?
• I would be glad to let you take over, know-it-all
• I’m not ok
• You really AREN’T helping!
• Just do what I tell you!
• I don’t like this!
• It does hurt!
• Listen to me for once!
• Stop walking your dogs across the middle of my lawn!
• And….. ipad… Stop changing my spelling all the damn time.  I know what I want to say, dammit!

Ahhhhh that’s a little better.

Of course if you ask me if any of that was about you, I will say “no, no not YOU” because I am being nice!!

Well, yeah there are lots of wonderful things, but right now this is really what I need.

I am in my chaise,blanket over me, dog on my lap.  My sweetie is making me tea, and has brought me two double stuff Oreo cookies. The wind is howling outside and I am in a safe, cozy spot.

I know I could be cleaning , I could be marking schoolwork, I could be doing so many things, but being cozy is enough right now!

Now I love to eat! If you know me, you know that. I do like cooking, but sometimes the hardest part of FOOD in general, is the thinking about it.  I do the groceries, I almost always plan the week’s meals, i take the frozen meat out of the freezer and I do a lot of the cooking.  It is too much thinking For one little brain.

Even if someone else cooks, I am always involved! I have received many phone calls like:

where is the garlic powder???  (I don’t know, I’m at work! Look for it)

I would have started something, but I didn’t know what we have. (so open the fridge/freezer-just like I will do when I get home from work!)

I see it says chicken on the meal plan, what should I do with it? (cook it for Pete’s sake! As the chef-you choose! Bread it, roast it, put it in spaghetti sauce, make butter chicken, make a stir fry – the only thing I don’t want is raw chicken!  AND I won’t complain about your choice, because I didn’t have to think!)

Oh, and putting meatloaf in the oven is a GREAT start, but meatloaf alone is not dinner! What about veggies, or a salad, or potatoes……. And its me again pulling itall together!

Seriously, I think some days,  jail might be an okay place because your meals are provided and your  laundry is done!

Last night, we had a reunion of JCS.  Like all women, or maybe just shallow stupid women like me, I was worried about how fat I look, and how to do my hair.  I realized though, that none of that mattered. I am happy with who I am.  Yes I’m overweight, but I have food and a safe place to live.  I am older, and don’t look as good as I did at 17, but we are all older than we were 20 years ago! (go figure)

What really matters, is that Phillip and I are still together.  Actually, we are more than together! I have met people who are  married,  but I like to think of us as actively married.  I love him more now than when we got married.  I am happy and proud of our relationship (which I am sure many people thought wouldn’t last). Together we have a wonderful son and a great life.  Sure I wish we were thinner, richer, had a bigger house and a flashy car, but really…. Really… I wouldn’t change a single thing!

Realizing that, I set off to the reunion with a smile.  We had a great time, smiles pictures and renewed friendships.  A great night!

My Nan passed away this summer, and I know it has affected me more than I thought it would.  Well, how would I know how I would react? She had been fighting leukemia for over three years, so we knew how it would end.  But still, I have really felt lost since then.  I don’t know if it is because I was away when she took sick. Everyone told me to stay in Florida, even Nan. But still, I don’t know if I’m feeling bad because of it.  The funeral was lovely and the emotion from family, friends and even the oncology nurses moved me beyond words.

Still I started the school year with a heavy heart.

The show we worked on this fall had some very strong personalities as cast and crew.  While it ended up a good production, it still took a lot out of me. School is school, the kids are sweet. I really like my class.  And we have started a new show: fun but busy busy!

The biggest stress, though is Joanne.  She is Phillip’s aunt, and dying of ALS.  This is just the most awful, awful disease.  She lost the ability to talk two years ago, her mobility has gone downhill especially since August.  She can no longer walk easily, dress herself and she cannot eat.  Nothing, no food at all.Which is very sad since Joanne loves restaurants and good food.  We finally found her a place in long term care.  It’s safe, and the people are very kind to her, but it’s still an institution and a small room,and she’s still dying.

She is in no pain, but she knows everything that is going on.  There is nothing wrong with her brain or decision making skills. She is becoming trapped in a body that can not move properly, can not speak,can not swallow, and one day will forget how to breathe.

I am trying to clean out her condo so we can sell it.  What a lot of work!  Report cards are coming up, and I have a pile of marking to do.  I just haven’t had the energy to tackle it, and I’m soooo tired, but I just can’t sleep.  I am awake in the middle of every night.

I know things will get better, and that so many people carry even heavier burdens, but right now it’s just so hard.

Its much nicer time to have new years, because the weather is nicer.  In Crappy wet January– who wants to start new routines and try new resolutions.  But this time of year, when the temperature and the leaves are changing– its nice to change too.

My goals are to be more organized at school– never super clean, but more on the ball!!! 

I will go to bed earlier.  I have realized “What am I staying up for????”  When I’m tired–I will go to bed, even if its 8:30

I will try to do everything with joy.  Even if its dishes, homework or rehearsal.  I am so lucky to have a job, home, family and friends that I can’t let the mundane details of life weigh me down. 

I will write more.  Its a nice quiet time to centre yourself and find some peace.  Also I can hear my own “inner Wisdom” more, when I stop talking   (Imagine that!!!)

I will stop hurting myself.  (now I’m not cutting or a drug addict or anything) But I do eat crappy, I don’t always wear sunscreen or moisturizer, I don’t exercise.  So I will begin to treat myself better.  Because if I don’t do it???? Who will???????

The air is still and quiet

The snow muffles the sounds of the traffic and everything is at peace

Thank you, God for a snow day.

Please keep my family and my friends safe on the roads and help me to stay calm in the car….

but help me remember that you send snow to slow us down,

to make us listen,

to turn our world into a beautiful wonderland…..

Thank you….