The End…… and the beginning of so much more.

Well, Joanne passed away on Sunday.

I am sad, and feeling the loss, but also feeling relief that her horrible battle with ALS is over.  Then I’m feeling guilty to be happy not to have to rush to the nursing home three times a week, or more.

There is a lot of feelings.

Even knowing her death was coming, waiting for it…..and yes, wanting it to happen, it is still hard to understand that she is ……gone. Never to talk to again, never to see.  Just …the end.

Now, I have a confidence in an afterlife– and that the ones we love have moved on, to be re-united with others and with us one day.  But since we don’t have any true understanding or contact with them….. for me…. right now….. she’s gone…

Joanne is also wrapped up in my feelings for Nan, too.  Mom and I really started helping Joanne the Monday after Nan’s funeral.  So in some ways, its like losing Nan again…….

Then….. in my deranged and sadistic mind…. a little evil voice reminds me that these are not the only people you are going to lose.  Someday…. (in about 100 years!!!) it will be my dad, my mom, my aunts, uncles, my best friends, my husband and (God forbid) my son.  What a horrible thought……. but it just makes me want to scream “LEAVE ME ALONE!!!  I don’t want to love you, because someday I will feel even worse than this when you are not here!!!

Why do we live this way…… denying the fact that we will be torn apart from the people who make our lives special??? We act as if it will never happen, when at any moment– someone could be gone.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

…………………..Then after a little cry, and some tea……. I calm down again.  Yes, two very strong women have left me recently….. but I know I am better for knowing, helping and loving them.  I am proud of how much I was able to assist, support and give to Joanne.  And now that she’s gone, I have to stand strong.

Yes, the people I love WILL leave me.  And it renders me practically catatonic just thinking of that day, but will I really stop loving them, only to save myself the heartbreak???

HELL NO!!!

I will love them ten times, a hundred times more– knowing all the while, it will just make it worse in the end!!!!  Proudly and fiercely I will laugh, sing, dance, photograph, pray, travel, talk, eat and love, love, love them.

I can’t stop them from going some day, but I can make all the days until then as joyous, loving and wonderful as I can!!!!

I miss my Nan

Yesterday was Nan’s birthday.

(is it her birthday? Because its the first one that she has missed! Or WAS it her birthday, or the anniversary of her birthday? I don’t know what the term is, but we should have had cake— and we didn’t)

I have thought about her,and missed her every day since she passed away.  I have photos up in my classroom, so I always see her smile each morning. But so often, my eyes fill with tears, or I just want to hear her voice– crazy stories and all.

We, as a family, got through thanksgiving and Christmas pretty well, so I don’t know why 7 months later, it’s weighing on my mind, like we only lost her a week ago??

Then, I wanted to change my profilpicture on Facebook to one of Nan and I together………. I don’t have one.  For Christmas I gave my aunts, uncles and cousins over 1200 photos of family times over the past 5 years or so, and not one of Nan and I together.  At her 80th party and at my cousins wedding, I made a point of trying to get a photo of nan with as many different people as possible….. But have missed myself.

The “normal” part of my brain tried to tell me that dad, Tric and Mariellen have lots of photos of Nan and Itogether, but the “crazy” part of my brain (which admittedly is the larger part) just felt like I had let her down again!

Reunion

22 years ago, Phillip and I met during a production of Jesus Christ superstar.  I was 17 years old, just about to be dumped by my boyfriend because he was “not into girlfriends” and Phillip was 27 and about to move in with his girlfriend of eight years.  We hooked up and through a lot of ups and downs, we are still together.

Last night, we had a reunion of JCS.  Like all women, or maybe just shallow stupid women like me, I was worried about how fat I look, and how to do my hair.  I realized though, that none of that mattered. I am happy with who I am.  Yes I’m overweight, but I have food and a safe place to live.  I am older, and don’t look as good as I did at 17, but we are all older than we were 20 years ago! (go figure)

What really matters, is that Phillip and I are still together.  Actually, we are more than together! I have met people who are  married,  but I like to think of us as actively married.  I love him more now than when we got married.  I am happy and proud of our relationship (which I am sure many people thought wouldn’t last). Together we have a wonderful son and a great life.  Sure I wish we were thinner, richer, had a bigger house and a flashy car, but really…. Really… I wouldn’t change a single thing!

Realizing that, I set off to the reunion with a smile.  We had a great time, smiles pictures and renewed friendships.  A great night!

March Break update!

Well, it happened–the march break is over and I am wondering where all the time went????

I did clean nana’s apartment, phillip and I went on a secret road trip just the two of us (Jeremy and Mother in law–visiting family in Picton).  We saw my cousin in (greater) Alliston area, had friends over, and today are going to Orillia for a Rock Band party, and then mom is coming over to stay overnight.  Dad will come over for dinner and then take her home tomorrow night.  We tried a great new Indian restaurant near our house and it was so good, we ate there the next night too!!!!!  With jeremy away, Megan and I also got better at Mario Kart Race game for the Wii!!  Go Yoshi!

On the boring list, we got through most of laundry mountain.  My family (not just me) has too many clothes.  The reason we always have at least 2 loads dirty in the laundry room, is so we have room for everything.  The undies are filling all the drawers, no more room for t-shirts or anything AND there is still 4 more loads to go!!!!!  Nine bags to the Goodwill, moved the old red chair, the broken dishwasher, and the not working stereo all to the curb and they were all nabbed by “sidewalk shoppers” very quickly.  Yesterday, cleaned out the car port–gross there were mice making nests in there– 10 bags of garbage to the dump!!!!  (But not the cool dump like up north where the bears are, just the boring Pickering dump–smell yes, bears no).  I cleaned the gallery/guest room out, and moved the furniture around for easter.  No seating plan, and the photos still need to be put away, but jobs well done!

So, I didn’t get to go to Mexico, or anything “thrilling”, but we got lots of jobs done and I spent a lot of time with my sweetie– laughing, having adventures, and being quiet.  Its nice just being us, a very different feeling: not always worried about what other people needed or wanted.  (we still had the dog, but he’s cute)

So, Monday is back to work…….. I am not ready, but I feel good.  I hope everyone comes back in a good frame of mind, ready to get working!

The March Break

Ahhhh a week off work……..  all the time in the world……….rest..relax….get stuff done………….

I don’t go away at March break mostly ’cause I don’t have the money.  but also the hassle of driving or the airport hardly seems like a rest.  But, like the summer, it seems I have limitless time and energy to do things……but that will come crashing down when I realize there is a Hell’s Kitchen marathon on the food network and spend an entire day eating chips and watching a show I’ve already seen!!!!!!!!!

Each day I’m trying to do SOMETHING– a job that needs to be done.  I have the family over for Easter dinner, and it needs to be clean (so I can be proud of my crappy little house), but we don’t have a lot of room–so every place is going to be needed for entertaining.

So far, we set up a new bed in Jeremy’s room (a queen).  We moved the double/twin bunk upstairs into the “Guest” room.  Now if you stay over, you can make a “cave” or a “tent” to sleep in just like Jeremy used to every night.  (Me- Jeremy, why do you have to make a tent to sleep in? J- because its too bright out! Me- Jeremy, you live in the BASEMENT!!!)

Today is Laundry Mountain (seriously people, you could have the Olympics here!!!!) and putting up new smoke detectors upstairs and downstairs.  The Accura is filled in the trunk with crap we are taking to the Goodwill.  (My dream is to get rid of 1/3 of the crap in the house– I know this will never happen unless someone else throws the crap away when I am not looking– I like that plate, stuffed animal, nail polish etc)  I have good intentions, but very little follow through.  (See my blogs about diet and excercise).

Tomorrow I will be cleaning Nan’s while Phillip takes her to the hospital. I also want to reorganize the downstairs kitchen, wash the walls upstairs, get photos ready for my art display in May, put photos in the albums, clean out the closet in the guest room, plan the seating for Easter, and eat chips while laying on the couch!!!  Lots to do!!!!

Cinderella….or Spiderella, or Cheetahrella

My students have been writing (FOR A MONTH) a fairy tale story.  We read a number of fairy tales.  (you’d be surprised–if its not a Disney movie–they don’t know it–like Little Red Riding Hood, Jack and the Beanstalk or Rapunzel)

Now we are writing Cinderella stories.  I have a collection of Cinderella’s –like Dinorella, or Cinderella Penguin.  SO they chose an animal set and they got to it!!  Each day or two, I would lay out the foundation of the next set of details.  (First introduce Cinderella…lovely, beautiful…. had to live with SS and SM.  They make her do all the chores….give details.)  then the next day:  Now do the invitation…what is the prince’s name, what kind of ball (that matches the types of animals there are)  and then the SSisters say “You can’t come to the ball… you are too dirty…etc)  It took them over 2 weeks to write the story.  But they have never written so much!!!!  I have pages and pages from each student.

Now its taken 2 weeks.  I will edit a chunk at a time and tell them when to stop on each page.  Like a picture book, some pages only have one sentence, and some have a lot more.  But, each page will have a coloured picture with it.

The stories are so funny!!!!  Snakearella lost her tiara (and the picture of the snakes dancing is a little rude), Pigerella fell in love with a Chicken Prince, Cheetahs, tigers, dogs and cats are all going to the ball!!!!  Each completed book is between 12-25 pages with illustrations and everything.  I am going to use the spiral binder to make the books last a long time.

I hope mom’s and Dad’s like the stories and will keep them.  I ‘ve had a great time helping them write!!!

Things that I would rather be doing……

Right now, I am trying to get my class to clean up after an explosive art project  (Surrealism!!!!  It’s not just for crazy spanish guys anymore!!!!!)

With  less than a week until March Break, I am thinking of a number of things I would rather do than be here at work….

• Be at the Gulf of Mexico (Tampa Bay area).  I know that there might be beaches that you like better, but I love the Gulf around St. Pete’s Beach. It was our “cottage” for so many years and I just love the sound of the water, and the feel of the breeze on my face.  I love the sand, and will not let the van be vacuumed out during the winter.  Just thinking about sunset on the beach helps my heart-rate to go down.
• I would rather be at my mom’s kitchen table.  Having a cup of tea with her (usually while she is busy getting a yummy dinner ready) is the greatest!!!!  It’s like being a little kid, and having a best friend who knows you so well all at the same time.
• I would rather be sleeping outside. (not today in the mud of course) but on a very warm early summer day.  Sleeping on a blanket, in the park, under a tree is AMAZING!!!  The fresh air, the sounds of the people and birds.  The rustle of the leaves in the trees–all great.  (Camping–not good, naps–great!!!)
• I would rather be in Walt Disney World.  Of course–if you know me, you know that WDW will come up sooner or later.  Today, I would like to be sitting on the TTA –riding around Tomorrowland, or on Soarin’ or sitting across from the bathrooms near Norway (in Epcot) just people watching and waiting (with my schoolbread) for Illuminations to start.
• I would rather be at the Museum of Civilization in Ottawa.  That place ROCKS!!!!  And last March Break, we only got to see about a third of it.    It is so amazing.  If I lived in Ottawa, I would buy a membership to the museum.
• I would rather be doing anything silly with Megan. She has a laugh that is infectious.  You can’t help but be in a good mood when she wants you too!!!  Perhaps grocery shopping with Megan and JL??????
• I would love to be at Canelli’s with Violaine and Matt.  Good food, great friends!!!!
• I would like to be at the dentist IF, (and only if) they would rock the chair back, turn up the happy gas, and leave me alone for half an hour!!!!

So, there are a couple of ideas I had, which would be better than being at school.  I love my job, and my kids are a really great group, but I would like to be so many other places!!!!!!  Take me away!!!!!!

A post about Friends

Its so nice to be blessed with friends.  When you are going through a trying time, just a smile or a kind word can mean so much!  Makeing a friend a cup of tea, sending a nice message on the blog or on facebook helps make you feel more real and more solid. 

I am trying to go about daily life (since there is no change in Grandma’s condition), but my mind starts wandering–sometimes on her and what she means to me, somtimes to how my own mom and family is feeling, sometimes to stupid things, like the fact that all my nice long nails are now broken, and they look like crap.  Then I feel bad for being worried about my nails when my Grandmother is dying.  (or is not dying–both are bad)

Thank you to the people who have shared a kind word, in person or over the computer.  Thanks for the offers of help–at school (J-taking my class so I could plan), and evryone else (M-I know you will be and do anything I need).  Its a blessing to be so cared for!  Thank you all so much, I will keep you up to date!

Circle of Life

Friday night I spent looking at and holding a new tiny baby. 

Saturday night, some members of my family and I held hands and prayed while the priest gave last rites to my Grandmother. 

To say its been an odd weekend, would be putting it mildly.

My grandmother is so frail, small and weak.  She doesn’t seem much different from tiny, baby Sam.  Everyone in the family has been in to see her.  We call her name, touch her hair, hold her hand.  Occasionally, she will open her eyes and there is some recognition that we are with her.  Mostly its just waiting, and ……. well, trying to help her with a word, a song, a kiss.  Whether we are trying to help her stay here, or help her move on, I’m not quite sure.   I think it’s both at the same time.  I know its for the best, and all that…… but still its hard. 

Phillip sang three times to her, between Saturday night and Sunday morning.  She definitely responded to the music.  She looked at me and smiled a little. She asked for Jeremy, too.  So we have all said our goodbye’s to her.  But I don’t know what to do, or how just to wait…..until……..

I am comforted, and amazed by the response of the family.  Everyone is coming by and we all have taken some time with her.  You couldn’t ask for a better end then to see all of your children, grandchildren and your great grandchildren tell you that they are near and that they love you!

My summer, so far

Two weeks without a post–I know I am sorry.  I have already been put in my place by my #1 Fan. So to her, and to you all–I apologize.

What have I been doing???  I will tell you some highlights.  I have gone to a BlueJays game,  Note that this is #19 –the Shortstop–MarcoScutaro    Jeremy went to driving school and I helped Megan buy a new camera before her 3 week trip to Ireland.   On Canada Day we went to mom and dad’s–’cause its what we do.  Phillip and I took Nan to the hospital.  Phillip files his EI claim, we went to the Beaches for a day and had pie in this cut little cafe, cute until we realized that all the pies have a layer of almonds (phillip is allergic), but all was well.  We did gardening outside. Since EQAO marking was out by the airport, I stayed with mom and dad for almost a week.  Meals were cooked for me and we watched “SPACE”.  My aunt was featured in the Toronto Outdoor Art Exhibition, so we went to Nathan Phillips Square to see her.  We wanted to steal two tiny Shi-tzu puppies in the stor, but we didn’t.  The next nan visit I was at, was the fastest EVER!!  Our lawn mower broke and the only place that will fix black and decker is in Toronto,  at this tiny, little repair shop like you’d see in the movies or in a Stephen King novel–so cool.  We visited the CN Tower with my cousin Gabe and his girlfriend Katie–both visiting from Florida.  I love my cousin of course, but Katie was great–and we share common interests like photographing  graffiti, and checking out the fixtures in all bathrooms.   Phillip and I spend hours talking to a NEW DISNEY CONVERT, a former co-worker who will be a current co-worker soon, just came back from a disney trip with her daughter and LOVED it.  She said to me “I get it, I know why you go back”.  Woo hoo, got another one.

That is all the photos to share (although there are more), and there have been many wonderful things not mentioned–dinners at the Tin Mill, and the Keg, visits with friends from St James, from high school, watching movies outside with best friends, baseball games in the park (just watching, not playing).  Visiting friends, adn seeing where they will be getting married (and where I am taking photos)

Now I have to get ready for a busy few days before our trip to Florida.  I promise to share more with you.