The End…… and the beginning of so much more.

Well, Joanne passed away on Sunday.

I am sad, and feeling the loss, but also feeling relief that her horrible battle with ALS is over.  Then I’m feeling guilty to be happy not to have to rush to the nursing home three times a week, or more.

There is a lot of feelings.

Even knowing her death was coming, waiting for it…..and yes, wanting it to happen, it is still hard to understand that she is ……gone. Never to talk to again, never to see.  Just …the end.

Now, I have a confidence in an afterlife– and that the ones we love have moved on, to be re-united with others and with us one day.  But since we don’t have any true understanding or contact with them….. for me…. right now….. she’s gone…

Joanne is also wrapped up in my feelings for Nan, too.  Mom and I really started helping Joanne the Monday after Nan’s funeral.  So in some ways, its like losing Nan again…….

Then….. in my deranged and sadistic mind…. a little evil voice reminds me that these are not the only people you are going to lose.  Someday…. (in about 100 years!!!) it will be my dad, my mom, my aunts, uncles, my best friends, my husband and (God forbid) my son.  What a horrible thought……. but it just makes me want to scream “LEAVE ME ALONE!!!  I don’t want to love you, because someday I will feel even worse than this when you are not here!!!

Why do we live this way…… denying the fact that we will be torn apart from the people who make our lives special??? We act as if it will never happen, when at any moment– someone could be gone.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

…………………..Then after a little cry, and some tea……. I calm down again.  Yes, two very strong women have left me recently….. but I know I am better for knowing, helping and loving them.  I am proud of how much I was able to assist, support and give to Joanne.  And now that she’s gone, I have to stand strong.

Yes, the people I love WILL leave me.  And it renders me practically catatonic just thinking of that day, but will I really stop loving them, only to save myself the heartbreak???

HELL NO!!!

I will love them ten times, a hundred times more– knowing all the while, it will just make it worse in the end!!!!  Proudly and fiercely I will laugh, sing, dance, photograph, pray, travel, talk, eat and love, love, love them.

I can’t stop them from going some day, but I can make all the days until then as joyous, loving and wonderful as I can!!!!

A cozy night!

Is there anything better than a quiet night?

Well, yeah there are lots of wonderful things, but right now this is really what I need.

I am in my chaise,blanket over me, dog on my lap.  My sweetie is making me tea, and has brought me two double stuff Oreo cookies. The wind is howling outside and I am in a safe, cozy spot.

I know I could be cleaning , I could be marking schoolwork, I could be doing so many things, but being cozy is enough right now!

The Start of a Brand New Year

I know what you are thinking– its September, not New Years.  But to me, its NEW YEARS, because we are back in school.

Its much nicer time to have new years, because the weather is nicer.  In Crappy wet January– who wants to start new routines and try new resolutions.  But this time of year, when the temperature and the leaves are changing– its nice to change too.

My goals are to be more organized at school– never super clean, but more on the ball!!! 

I will go to bed earlier.  I have realized “What am I staying up for????”  When I’m tired–I will go to bed, even if its 8:30

I will try to do everything with joy.  Even if its dishes, homework or rehearsal.  I am so lucky to have a job, home, family and friends that I can’t let the mundane details of life weigh me down. 

I will write more.  Its a nice quiet time to centre yourself and find some peace.  Also I can hear my own “inner Wisdom” more, when I stop talking   (Imagine that!!!)

I will stop hurting myself.  (now I’m not cutting or a drug addict or anything) But I do eat crappy, I don’t always wear sunscreen or moisturizer, I don’t exercise.  So I will begin to treat myself better.  Because if I don’t do it???? Who will???????

Things that I would rather be doing……

Right now, I am trying to get my class to clean up after an explosive art project  (Surrealism!!!!  It’s not just for crazy spanish guys anymore!!!!!)

With  less than a week until March Break, I am thinking of a number of things I would rather do than be here at work….

• Be at the Gulf of Mexico (Tampa Bay area).  I know that there might be beaches that you like better, but I love the Gulf around St. Pete’s Beach. It was our “cottage” for so many years and I just love the sound of the water, and the feel of the breeze on my face.  I love the sand, and will not let the van be vacuumed out during the winter.  Just thinking about sunset on the beach helps my heart-rate to go down.
• I would rather be at my mom’s kitchen table.  Having a cup of tea with her (usually while she is busy getting a yummy dinner ready) is the greatest!!!!  It’s like being a little kid, and having a best friend who knows you so well all at the same time.
• I would rather be sleeping outside. (not today in the mud of course) but on a very warm early summer day.  Sleeping on a blanket, in the park, under a tree is AMAZING!!!  The fresh air, the sounds of the people and birds.  The rustle of the leaves in the trees–all great.  (Camping–not good, naps–great!!!)
• I would rather be in Walt Disney World.  Of course–if you know me, you know that WDW will come up sooner or later.  Today, I would like to be sitting on the TTA –riding around Tomorrowland, or on Soarin’ or sitting across from the bathrooms near Norway (in Epcot) just people watching and waiting (with my schoolbread) for Illuminations to start.
• I would rather be at the Museum of Civilization in Ottawa.  That place ROCKS!!!!  And last March Break, we only got to see about a third of it.    It is so amazing.  If I lived in Ottawa, I would buy a membership to the museum.
• I would rather be doing anything silly with Megan. She has a laugh that is infectious.  You can’t help but be in a good mood when she wants you too!!!  Perhaps grocery shopping with Megan and JL??????
• I would love to be at Canelli’s with Violaine and Matt.  Good food, great friends!!!!
• I would like to be at the dentist IF, (and only if) they would rock the chair back, turn up the happy gas, and leave me alone for half an hour!!!!

So, there are a couple of ideas I had, which would be better than being at school.  I love my job, and my kids are a really great group, but I would like to be so many other places!!!!!!  Take me away!!!!!!

Back to the Blog

I haven’t felt like writing a lot lately.  I don’t know if it is because of my Grandmother’s death bumming me out, or the change of seasons, or the mess in my class and house, but I just feel BLAHHHHH.

Well, nothing changes a grumpy mood like doing something about it!!!!  I am going to be back to blogging, here on my personal blog, and on my school website.  If you would like to see what my class is doing  check out www.teacherweb.com

Once you get there, click– find a teacher, scroll down to Ontario, Canada, then pick a school, we are Brother Andre (the first of the two listed), and last pick ME, from the list of teachers that have set up sites.  Its a lot of fun, and the parents who are checking the homework lists and the calendar really like it.  I have also added a “Student Blog” section.  Every couple of days, a student gets to sit at my desk and write what is happening in school.  It gets posted to the website and parents and friends can read it.

Hopefully turning around and facing my crappy mood will help me beat it!!!  If you are reading it, send me a shout out and say hi.  I could really use it!

A post about Friends

Its so nice to be blessed with friends.  When you are going through a trying time, just a smile or a kind word can mean so much!  Makeing a friend a cup of tea, sending a nice message on the blog or on facebook helps make you feel more real and more solid. 

I am trying to go about daily life (since there is no change in Grandma’s condition), but my mind starts wandering–sometimes on her and what she means to me, somtimes to how my own mom and family is feeling, sometimes to stupid things, like the fact that all my nice long nails are now broken, and they look like crap.  Then I feel bad for being worried about my nails when my Grandmother is dying.  (or is not dying–both are bad)

Thank you to the people who have shared a kind word, in person or over the computer.  Thanks for the offers of help–at school (J-taking my class so I could plan), and evryone else (M-I know you will be and do anything I need).  Its a blessing to be so cared for!  Thank you all so much, I will keep you up to date!

I’m a garden voyeur

I love looking at other people’s gardens. 

 I feel like I am breaking commandments or sinning or something, as I gaze upon the properties of others.  I think evil thoughts like “Wow, what are those purple things, I have to dig them up in the middle of the night, and plant them in my garden”.  I have a long list of plants I want to steal under the cover of darkness.

Is coveting your neighbour’s hostas the same kind of bad as coveting their wife????

I really like looking at the variety of colours, shapes and textures that I see in gardens.   Coral Bells, with the long stalks of flowers, and funky leaves.  (I like the plants that are brown/red leaves).  Ferns, Hostas, anything that flowers like iris or lilly–LOVE IT!!  Black eyed susans, daisies, poppies, dahlias, phlox, cosmos, bleeding heart,  roses, can’t get enough!

When you are digging up stuff in your garden–save me a piece, I’d love to plant it!! (and that would save me sneaking into your yard at night)

If  you know of a great garden (public or private) let me know, I want to take a look (and probably a photograph)

Things I love that start with B

another teacher today was making a list of things she loves that start with B.  Hmmm sounds like a great blog!

• blogs-  I love to write mine.
• bubbles– in baths, blowing bubbles outside, bubbles in pop, MY BUBBLES
• biting– I BITE faces!!!!!
• beach!!!  I love the beach–the sound of the water, the smell of the sea air–oh Gulf of Mexico, I will be there soon!
• banana bread–yum yum
• burgers–with a lot of cheese
• bracelets–especially sparkly ones
• bling–again, anything with sparkles
• blankies– I love being snuggled in blankies
• bears– polar and teddy especially
• baked goods–they are my favourite treats, over chocolate or candy
• Bones–What a great show– the entire cast is wonderful  (and Angel’s on it but not being broody)
• black and white animals are all my fav’s–pandas, penguins, cows, skunks, zebras, if its black and white– I like it!
• babies.  Oh so cute.  I like tosniff them (’cause babies smell good),  take their clothes off and look at their little feet.
• boys– ’nuff said.
• Buffy the Vampire Slayer– The show, not the movie
• bags–like funky purses.  I always carry a 35 pound bag with everything you could possibly need plus 17 pounds of stuff you don’t need.
• braids–I like when girls have french braids in their hair.  I don’ know how to french braid
• back bacon (only I call it ALLIGATOR BACON- don’t ask me why)
• balconies– overlooking the water
• the B game (When you annoy your husband/partner/lover with touching and announcing all the parts of them that start with B–do it when good TV is on for maximum effect!!!  Touch their: brow, boobies, belly, backs of their knees, bottoms of their feet, bum,  etc)
• bakeries–yum
• Beauty and the Beast is my favourite Disney movie.  (and my copy is broken)
• buttertarts– with raisins.
• books-especially Harry Potter, To Kill a Mockingbird, any Terry Prachett, The Time Traveller’s Wife,
• ballerinas
• bedtime!!!  (even though bedtime is for babies)
• BASEBALL– Marco Scutero
• bridges
• and THE B BOOK–I don’t think its Dr. Seuss, but its in that set.  Big, brown bear, blue blue, beautiful baboon, blowing bubbles biking backwards, bump black bugs banana boxes, and brother bob’s baseball bus and buster beagles banjo, bagpipe, bugle band……and that’s what broke baby bird’s balloon.   (that’s from memory at my desk–someone find the book and check–I’m sure I’m close)

And those are some things I like that start with b!!!  (I will do things I hate that start with b later– barfing, blisters and botulism  will begin the list….)

As it has been pointed out to me, I have missed BROWNIES (which did get covered by Baked goods, but V is right, they are so yummy that they deserve their own mention)

And BRITTANY BEATON!!! (and the rest of the Beaton Clan).  Yes I love them, too.

On retreat

This weekend is my second last retreat.  Over the last 2 years I have been part of a group that meets for a weekend once each season.  We read inspirational poems, journal quietly and share feelings and ideas with people who have grown to be trusted friends.

One of the most important things in our retreat are the “Boundry Markers”–rules about how we act and share our stories and ourselves.  At first I was almost insulted by the ideas, I know how to take turns and listen.  But the more time I’ve spent on retreat and in this program, I realize that we do not (as a society) listen well.  In the retreats, we have dedicated listening time.  This means that for 10, 20 or 30 minutes, I listen to what you have to say.  If you say something that I agree with, have an opinion on, or have a similar story, I am NOT allowed to take your time and the focus away from you, in order to tell my own story.  I have to give you all of your time.  After a weekend of being treated with that amount of care and respect, you tend to find around the dinner table conversations quite noisy and busy.

I really like the idea of active listening.  This also means leaving spaces in the conversation.  If my partner stops talking, (in normal conversation) we tend to jump in and fill in the gaps.  On retreat, you let someone stop, think, cry, regroup, whatever they need and you just “hold” them with your attention, rather than your words.

Another boundry marker I have struggled with is called “Soft Eyes–Turn to Wonder”  which sounds really stupid.  In essence it is about judging others.  (Which is another big one for me– I tend to be a smart mouth in private, but a chickenif someone could actually hear the trash I’m talking).    Think about this:  If someone says or does something you don’t like or don’t agree with, how often have you “Hardened” your eyes.  (The eyes narrow and you get a crappy look on  your face.)  Instead of thinking “Jackass” and getting pissed off when someone is slowing down before the intersection when the light is plainly green– instead soften your eyes, and wonder what is going on for them.  (I wonder if they are lost, or what street they are looking for???)  Its a very freeing attitude adjustment when you can actually make the shift.  I find that I am in the “Jackass–oh calm-eyes-calm-eyes” phase–not quite Ghandi or Mother Teresa yet.  But its remarkable when you realize that other people might just make mistakes, have a bad day or not be as smart, funny or beautiful as you are. 

The other great thing about retreat is that I don’t have to cook or do dishes.  This might be the greatest advantage of these experiences!!!  Not only do I not have to cook, I didn’t have to do any of the thinking about cooking.  (’cause usually I have to write the meal plan, shop for the food, take the stuff out of the freezer.  Even if someone else helps with the actual cooking, its still taking up a lot of my time!)  Oh to have a little room to myself for a few days.  Its so lovely!!!

Early in the morning…

Before everyone else gets up, its so quiet,

and the day is filled with anticipation—nothing to do yet, only the possibilities of excitement and adventures to come.

Birds are singing, hopping throught the trees in search of bugs, as my mind hops through all my plans.

not yet…..

I won’t rush into a busy day just yet, I will savour one more quiet moment before the rush begins………